Things People Will Never Say To Me

I wish I had some hilarious story about how the “Things People Will Never Say To Me” project came to be, but the truth is it just popped into my head while driving. Out of the blue, I thought, “No one will ever say to me, ‘You’re a really good dancer.'” I probably should have been concentrating on driving, but I started mentally listing other silly things no one will ever say to me. Just to make myself laugh (which is  why I do 95% of what I do), I illustrated a few of them. When ever I mix Photoshop and Illustrator I’m reminded of one of my teachers and think, “Jean would be so proud of me mixing vector and raster!”

Anyway, here’s what I’ve got so far. There are a fe more on deck, including, of course, “You’re a really good driver!” but I haven’t had time to work it up yet. I hope you enjoy them and have a great week!

-Beth

Not unless I’m running incredibly late…which could actually be another in this series. No one will ever say, “You are so punctual!”

The design nerd in me loves that how the Y and ! curve around her hip. But yeah, unless I move to Polynesia, this is not something I will soon hear said about me.

This one is a little bit of a fib. But on the rare occasion I did join the team, everyone was about as thrilled as this lady when they realized the extent of my athletic abilities. Except for that one 10 year old girl who looked super surprised when I slapped her in the face for taking the ball from me. Relax! I was 10, too. It’s not like I go around slapping  random 10 year olds.

What? You have your fantasy man and I have mine. He’s got an Oscar! It was either him or Keanu Reeves. Shut up! He’s hot and I have a type apparently.

Completely Random

Isn’t that cute? It’s a small piece of a project I turned in yesterday and the teacher’s “it looks like a child did it” critique comment isn’t still stinging at all (lies).

Anyway, the last post was a little serious, I wanted to make this one a little silly restore the universe’s balance. Larry King used to have this unintentionally hilarious column in USA Today that was like the ramblings of a crazy person written down on a page instead of yelled at you on the L platform by someone wearing 13 coats in July. The Onion parodied it to perfection and, really, if it wasn’t for the title, there would have been few clues that it wasn’t an actual Larry King column. (I Am F’ing Insane- The Onion) So because I have a bunch of tiny updates that won’t make a full post and stuff to do, today is my Larry King post. You can read it or I can put on a dozen coats and yell it at you from the street in front of your house. Just kidding, I don’t have that many coats.

I did give up sugar, starches and grains after reading “Why We Get Fat.” Part of me was hoping it wouldn’t work so I could go back to my steady diet of potatoes in all forms. I lost 7.6 pounds and have never been more annoyed at losing weight in my life. Who knew the difference between all my pants fitting or falling off was 7.6 pounds? I had to get a pair of jeans so I would have pants that wouldn’t fall off as I walked. I found the absolute perfect pair with the exception of one thing- the front pockets are fake! What sicky thought that was a good idea? People LOVE pockets! I have actually bought skirts based solely on the fact they have pockets. Fake pockets are just cruel. I’m pretty sure it’s against some kind of law or the Bible or something.

Remember my neighbor, Dog Man? Well, about a month ago we had a very heavy rain and our pond started to flood at about 8:45 at night. Dog Man went out to move his car…in is boxer shorts. I mean really, Dog Man? You couldn’t throw on a pair of sweats? It wasn’t like a raging tidal wave that needed immediate attention. Then he proceeded to stand around and chat with other neighbors like he wasn’t in his underwear! So wrong.

We have these neighbors who didn’t make the cut for the post about my neighbor crazies. We call them The Bro-ski’s, because the only thing we’ve ever overheard from their condo are the words, “BRO!”, “DUDE!” and, “WOOOOOOOOO!” It’s like living next to a college football game. Bro-ski Girl has only been spotted not wearing sweatpants or gym shorts once and it was last Tuesday. Bro-ski dude is always wearing something Michigan (the blue one, not the green one- stop looking at me like that, I’m not a sports person) and he’s never been spotted in real pants either. All I can figure is that they are gym teachers. At least, that is my made up backstory and I’m sticking with it. They should have tossed some sweats to Dog Man when he was parading around the parking lot in his boxers.

There is a new neighbor and she is pretty terrifying. She is too new for a nickname, but if I had to describe her to you I’d say she’s somewhere between 40 and 90 and a woman.  If someone said she was a former KGB assassin before retiring to a quiet life in the Chicago suburbs, it would not be surprising. I’m going to stop writing about her now, because her KGB assassin powers probably know I am typing about her.

My standard answer for why I haven’t been a runner is that I see no point in running while not being chased by zombies or something. Well, apparently someone else had this same idea because there is a zombie 5K! I laughed so hard when I saw the article. About the race:

Racers will be given flag football belts along with their chip timing devices when they begin the race. They’ll attempt to run all 3.1 miles of the course without having their flags snatched by a zombie. Runners will be divided into categories based on expected mile pace: “vulnerable” runners will be those running at a 9-minute pace or faster; “endangered” racers run between a 10-minute and 12-minute mile; and “extinct” runners are those completing a mile in 13 minutes or more.

Is there something slower then “extinct”, like “food”? Because that would probably be my category. For more info about the Aurora Zombie 5K, click here.

Have a great week!

Fatacholia!

Just in case you were feeling too good about yourself today, I’m here to tell you about two horrifying health books I read recently. They aren’t horrifying in the way Victorian-era medical books (and all their conditions ending “-cholia”) were. More in the grim death pointing his finger saying, “This could happen to you!” sort of way.

The first is, “Why We Get Fat” by Gary Taube. Gary Taube is one of those names where the line between first and last blurs and I end up calling him Garytaube as if it were all one name. I picked this one up, because I’ve been working out 4-6 days each week, for 45-60 minutes for six months and I’ve lost a grand total of 6 pounds- most of which I had gained with an unfortunate protein shake incident (all you need to know is that it involved math). Anyway, I wanted to know why I wasn’t losing anything. So, as I started to read, I thought, “Hmm…this is interesting.” I read a little more and thought, “Lots of science in this book.” Then I started to think, “I don’t like where this seems to be going.” By the last few chapters I wanted to flick Gary Taube a double bird (both middle fingers).

Why did I want to make obscene gestures at the author? Basically because the science in this book says: if Beth likes it, don’t eat it. Not only that, but it also says the only way to outsmart your genes, which are the reason for your extra lusciousness in the first place, is to go low carb. That includes eliminating starches. STARCHES! I f’ing LOVE potatoes! But I am also tubby, so draw your own conclusions.

I know it’s not Gary Taube’s fault. He’s just the messenger and nothing in this books is new. As he states many times, these were the prevailing ideas about how to lose weight until the 1960s. This book is very, very well researched. There are tons of studies and sciencey things that make a lot of sense. But I’m an art student, so I hope you were not expecting me to recount them. That would just leave us both confused and disappointed (like me after a meal without starches).  The main thing is that carbs trigger insulin and insulin signals our body to store fat. The only way to get our body to release the stored fat is to get our blood sugar on a nice consistent low path.

Even with all that science, Gary Taube manages to get a little humor in. I think it was unintentional, but I had to laugh when he said he didn’t understand why obesity studies do not include photographs of obese individuals. Oh, Gary Taube, I’d like to field this one. It’s because doctors go to school for a long time and are not dumb. Just imagine you are in your doctor’s office in that gown that is thinner then a dinner napkin, freezing your behind off (why is it ALWAYS like 43 degrees in the doctors office on gown day?), and the doctor starts his exam. He takes one look at you and says, “Mrs. Whateveryournameis, I’d like to include a  photo of your body in my obesity research study.” He could say it in Alan Rickman’s very official and smart-sounding British accent with no emotion and it would make no difference. What Mrs. Whateveryournamis would hear is Larry the Cable Guy’s voice saying, “Damn girl! I ain’t never seen nothin’ like that before!” He leans his head out the door and shouts, “Otis, get in here! And bring the camera! It’s like Bigfoot- no one is gonna believe us if we ain’t got no proof!” And like that, Mrs. Whateveryournameis finds a new doctor. That’s my theory anyways.

The second book is “Wheat Belly” by Dr. William Davis. Just in case you aren’t convinced by “Why We Get Fat” that carbs are the Devil’s food, “Wheat Belly” will drive the point home. It starts out giving a brief history of wheat and it’s genetic mutations. Wheat was originally modified with the best of intentions- to help get food quickly to starving people. But a typical mature wheat stalk went from 3-4 feet to 18 inches and now they are bred to resist mold, disease and bugs. So the grains we are eating now are not the same grains from even 100 years ago. There’s lots of science in this book, too, but after the history of wheat chapter, it’s easy to get through. Dr. Davis is a cardiologist in Milwaukee and has seen first hand in his patients how much eliminating wheat can improve someone’s health. The book is full of stories of patients lowering cholesterol levels, blood sugar levels, relieving symptoms of Crohn’s and ulcerative colitis, and, of course, losing weight. Unlike Gary Taube, Dr. Davis is intentionally funny and this book is an easy read. It will definitely change the way you look at your Wonder Bread.

I hope I haven’t scared you too badly, but I want us all to be healthy and happy….with or without starches. Have a fabulous week!

Vintage Designy Things

It’s hard to miss the old-timey illustration trend in design. If you are like me and more of a photographer then a drawer, then fret not, because there are tons of resources out there for us non-drawers to get old timey and most of them are FREE! Who doesn’t love free things? Crazy people, that’s who!

I made this Ray poster (yes, I was avoiding homework, housework and real life) using floral illustrations from Vintage Printables. They have gone to the trouble of scanning a gabillion public domain images and now they’re free for the taking. The only problem is that they are not consistent with their dpi. Some things are scanned in at 300, some at 150 and some at 72. so that’s something to keep in mind. But it’s hard to complain when they’ve taken all the grunt work out of finding, scanning and uploading thousands of images for us. Did I mention it’s free?

The gramophone in the poster is from Vintage Vectors. Not nearly as extensive as Vintage Printables, but still exciting. Maybe because in school they teach us Adobe Illustrator first, but I’m more comfortable working in vector. When I scroll through the pages of Vintage Vectors, I always want to start a project  as an excuse to use their vectors. Oh, and this is awesome! Some files are not just vector. The gramophone came with both an illustrator and a photoshop file!

Finally, The Graphics Fairy. I think they are aimed a little more at scrapbookers and DIYers, but still some very cool things, none the less. She does have a ton of very awesome vintage Halloween art that I am so going to find an excuse to use (I friggin’ love Halloween). They do seem to also be scanned at 72 dpi, so again, be wary of that if you are printing. It’s a great site for inspiration, as well. I actually stumbled on the site looking for old timey apothecary label inspiration.

If you are like me at all, these three sites should keep you busy for quite a while. Have a great week!