Isn’t that cute? It’s a small piece of a project I turned in yesterday and the teacher’s “it looks like a child did it” critique comment isn’t still stinging at all (lies).
Anyway, the last post was a little serious, I wanted to make this one a little silly restore the universe’s balance. Larry King used to have this unintentionally hilarious column in USA Today that was like the ramblings of a crazy person written down on a page instead of yelled at you on the L platform by someone wearing 13 coats in July. The Onion parodied it to perfection and, really, if it wasn’t for the title, there would have been few clues that it wasn’t an actual Larry King column. (I Am F’ing Insane- The Onion) So because I have a bunch of tiny updates that won’t make a full post and stuff to do, today is my Larry King post. You can read it or I can put on a dozen coats and yell it at you from the street in front of your house. Just kidding, I don’t have that many coats.
I did give up sugar, starches and grains after reading “Why We Get Fat.” Part of me was hoping it wouldn’t work so I could go back to my steady diet of potatoes in all forms. I lost 7.6 pounds and have never been more annoyed at losing weight in my life. Who knew the difference between all my pants fitting or falling off was 7.6 pounds? I had to get a pair of jeans so I would have pants that wouldn’t fall off as I walked. I found the absolute perfect pair with the exception of one thing- the front pockets are fake! What sicky thought that was a good idea? People LOVE pockets! I have actually bought skirts based solely on the fact they have pockets. Fake pockets are just cruel. I’m pretty sure it’s against some kind of law or the Bible or something.
Remember my neighbor, Dog Man? Well, about a month ago we had a very heavy rain and our pond started to flood at about 8:45 at night. Dog Man went out to move his car…in is boxer shorts. I mean really, Dog Man? You couldn’t throw on a pair of sweats? It wasn’t like a raging tidal wave that needed immediate attention. Then he proceeded to stand around and chat with other neighbors like he wasn’t in his underwear! So wrong.
We have these neighbors who didn’t make the cut for the post about my neighbor crazies. We call them The Bro-ski’s, because the only thing we’ve ever overheard from their condo are the words, “BRO!”, “DUDE!” and, “WOOOOOOOOO!” It’s like living next to a college football game. Bro-ski Girl has only been spotted not wearing sweatpants or gym shorts once and it was last Tuesday. Bro-ski dude is always wearing something Michigan (the blue one, not the green one- stop looking at me like that, I’m not a sports person) and he’s never been spotted in real pants either. All I can figure is that they are gym teachers. At least, that is my made up backstory and I’m sticking with it. They should have tossed some sweats to Dog Man when he was parading around the parking lot in his boxers.
There is a new neighbor and she is pretty terrifying. She is too new for a nickname, but if I had to describe her to you I’d say she’s somewhere between 40 and 90 and a woman. If someone said she was a former KGB assassin before retiring to a quiet life in the Chicago suburbs, it would not be surprising. I’m going to stop writing about her now, because her KGB assassin powers probably know I am typing about her.
My standard answer for why I haven’t been a runner is that I see no point in running while not being chased by zombies or something. Well, apparently someone else had this same idea because there is a zombie 5K! I laughed so hard when I saw the article. About the race:
Racers will be given flag football belts along with their chip timing devices when they begin the race. They’ll attempt to run all 3.1 miles of the course without having their flags snatched by a zombie. Runners will be divided into categories based on expected mile pace: “vulnerable” runners will be those running at a 9-minute pace or faster; “endangered” racers run between a 10-minute and 12-minute mile; and “extinct” runners are those completing a mile in 13 minutes or more.
Is there something slower then “extinct”, like “food”? Because that would probably be my category. For more info about the Aurora Zombie 5K, click here.
Have a great week!