These Are A Few of My Least Favorite Things

Red-Winged BlackbirdLast semester, instead of taking roll by calling out our names, my teacher, Ray, would have a different question for us each day. Just things like, “What was your favorite tv show while growing up?” or “What is your favorite movie?” Normally, I’m like this big giggly Minnie Mouse, but the day Ray asked us, “What is your biggest pet peeve?” it was a whole other ball game. Apparently, having a list of about 5 gabillion pet peeves and getting riled up while you expound on them is perceived as abnormal? The funniest part was another very bubbly girl also had a list of 5 gabillion pet peeves and also got super annoyed talking about them. So, I think the lesson is clear – she and I should be best friends. What? Did you think I was going to say beware of giggly girls and their seething rage? Hm…(adds you to pet peeve list).

So since it’s doing some kind of snow/rain/ice/brimstone thing outside and I’m stuck inside watching people slide off the interstate on-ramp (you are never board when you live next to the interstate), I thought we could wander through the very vast volume that is my pet peeve list.

Probably 98% of the annoying things in my life happen at the grocery store and Costco. People just go freaking nuts when they cross into the parking lots of these places and it’s every man, woman and child for themselves. Driving and parking laws? FOR THE WEAK! There’s no posted speed limit, so that must mean it’s completely fine to drive 40 mph. That big arrow painted on the ground indicating which way cars are supposed to drive? Pfft. Whatever. No match for a Navigator (that is going to park in the compact only space). Crosswalks? Never heard of ’em. And it’s totally cool when you just aim your cart towards the cart return, give it a good shove from 60 feet out and hope for the best. Yeah, my car shouldn’t have been parked 6 spaces away from the cart corral if I didn’t want to get dinged.

Photo I took at the Costo parking lot

Why do people think it’s okay to leave their cart in the middle of the aisle or, even better, just stand there with their cart? No, that’s okay. We’ll all just stand here and wait for the earth to revolve around you. PULL OVER! Closely related are the people who walk up to look at the same thing you are looking at, but instead of standing next to you, decide they are transparent and stand directly in front of you. I DO NOT HAVE XRAY VISION! MOVE!

Even though it’s not completely related to shopping, I’d like to say to all the loud cell phone talkers: if you are going to talk loud enough for me to hear you 4 aisles over, then please make your conversation interesting. I don’t want to hear about your kids dance recital or gross details about their illness, or your takeout order. Make it juicy! And, no, I’m not following you to hear more. Okay, I am. But pretend you don’t notice.

Oh, and let me be clear, I don’t want your store credit card. When I say, “No, thank you,” it’s not a dare. It doesn’t mean, “Please, try and talk me into it by not shutting up about it for the rest of the time it takes to ring up my crap.” I don’t care if you are offering 600% off and a puppy with every purchase. I don’t want it.

Despite what it sounds like above, I am pathologically polite. Seriously, it’s like a sickness. I used to thank the toll takers on the expressway until I was like what the hell am I thanking them for? The first time I didn’t thank one, I thought the politeness police (a bunch of moms with wooden spoons) were going to get me. So maybe my politeness bar is high or maybe I just run into jerks, but impolite people with no manners make my teeth grind. Is it really that hard to hold the door open for an extra 3 seconds so it doesn’t slam in someone’s face? Or when someone does hold the door open to acknowledge it in some way? What happened to the courtesy wave when you let someone merge in traffic? One time I let someone merge and they did the wave, then looked away when I waved back. So he waved again…and he looked away when I waved again. This happened two more times! It was like living a Seinfeld episode.  But hey, you can’t be mad at someone who just wants to thank you.

This last one used to drive me up the wall when I had a job and will probably do it next time I get a job, but I also have a relative who used to do this, too. If I send you an e-mail, I’m also sending you the message that I don’t want to speak to you. So don’t answer my e-mail with a phone call. Also, don’t send me an e-mail saying, “Hey, did you get my voicemail?” approximately 32 seconds after leaving that voicemail. I will get back to you (maybe)!

Wishing you sanity in the grocery store and an awesome week!



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